I’m not giving any of them a rose
Monday nights are all about The Bachelor around these parts. I know, I know — but I just can’t help watching the train wreck every season. But this is how my evening has been going lately:
7:01 — The Bachelor kicks off and I am upstairs reading “We Are In a Book” to Maeve and Emmie. That Mo Willems is a funny dude. Let’s hurry it up here, ladies, I need to get downstairs.
7:04 — I kiss Maeve goodnight and she announces she needs to go potty. Of course she does. She just went literally 10 minutes ago. “Mommy, don’t come with me.” All righty then. Hurry UP.
7:06 — Maeve is in bed with her 12 stuffed animals. This is not an exaggeration. I can barely find her some nights.
7:07 — I kiss Emmie goodnight and go to Jack’s room to read with him.
7:08 — Emmie interrupts us by opening the door to Jack’s room and pulling down her pajama pants and laughing. I kick the door shut and she keeps laughing maniacally.
7:10 — Emmie knocks on the wall separating their rooms. I ignore her. Jack helpfully announces, “Emmie is knocking.” Thanks, I thought it was a Jehovah’s witness with terrible timing and a key to the house.
7:11 — I think to myself, I have missed the first 15 minutes, but they’ll totally recap it. I haven’t missed anything except that psycho Tierra’s latest antics. Shit, I’ve missed a lot, haven’t I?
7:12 — Emmie peeks in the crack in the open door. “Emmie. Get. Back. In. Bed,” I say through gritted teeth. Jack continues reading “Ramona and Beezus” like nothing is going on.
7:20 — Ramona and her mom got the dog out of the bathroom! Hooray! Let’s see some roses.
7:22 — I kiss Jack goodnight and say in a pleading voice, “Please stay in bed, I don’t want to have to yell.” He assures me he will do so.
7:22:30 — I am not even five steps from his room and he is right behind me in the hall. “I need ice for my water,” he says. We’re now serving ice water at bedtime. Welcome to the fine-dining establishment I call my home.
7:25 — I come downstairs and find the freezer drawer and fridge door wide open and Jack pouring water out in the sink. “It wasn’t cold enough,” he says. Oh. My. God. Get. Upstairs.
7:30 — I hear elephants above my head. As I do not perform in a circus troop, this is both troubling and annoying. “GET IN YOUR ROOMS,” I yell from the couch. My yell is rather ineffectual as I have a mouth full of barbecue chicken sandwich and it comes out sounding like “Guh in yuh wooooms.” The chicken is delicious. The cattiness is in full effect as I finally turn on the TV.
7:35 — “Mommy? What are we having for breakfast?” Emmie asks from the top of the stairs. “I don’t know. I can’t think about that right now,” I respond. “What are you eating? Can I have some? I’m hungry!” “No, you ate this an hour ago and didn’t finish it. Go to bed.” She proceeds to fall down at the top of the stairs and cry.
7:39 — Still crying. Still ignoring.
7:41 — Jack comes to the top of the stairs and helpfully yells, “Emmie is crying.” Ya think, Captain Obvious? I calmly announce I can’t hear either of them.
7:42 — Jack steps on Emmie and she starts howling because now she’s actually hurt. I leave the couch for the bottom of the stairs and announce anyone who is not in his or her own room will be forced to endure a group date. They have no idea what I am talking about and sulk away.
7:45 — Sean, you need to listen to these women. Tierra is cray cray. See the signs slapping you in the face, Sean!
7:50 — “GetinbedGetinbedGetinbedGetinbedGetinbedGetinbedGetinbedGetinbed. GetinbedGetinbedGetinbedGetinbedGetinbedGetinbedGetinbedGetinbed. GetinbedGetinbedGetinbedGetinbedGetinbedGetinbedGetinbedGetinbed. GetinbedGetinbedGetinbedGetinbedGetinbedGetinbedGETINBED!”
7:52 — “Jack is singing,” Emmie tattles. “Put your pillow over your head and you won’t be able to hear him,” I say without looking away from the TV. Or as Maeve calls it, the “TB.”
7:54 — “Emmie is messing around!” says Jack. “Then YOU get in YOUR bed and STOP GETTING OUT,” I yell up the stairs, not leaving the couch.
8:01 — (Muffled laughing, footsteps and general noise coming from upstairs) Please dear GOD someone make them just get in bed and I swear I will return to the church and tithe a percentage of my income and spread the good word.
8:02 — There is no God.
8:07 — “You know what? I am getting a babysitter every night and I am going to go work because I am not dealing with this anymore!” This is met by howls of protest. AND YET they still get out of bed again two minutes later.
8:15 — Tierra gets the rose. I bet even she could hear me scream, “THAT’S IT! NO IPAD TOMORROW!”
8:20 — They both come to the middle of the stairs and start spewing nonsense. I refuse to even look in their directions. “I am done with you for the night. I can not hear you. I can not talk to you until tomorrow. I love you. Goodnight.” They actually turn and walk upstairs. Emmie yells out, “Poopy pants!” as her parting shot. Well played, Emily, well played.
8:25 — All quiet on the upstairs front. Finally.
8:27 — I hear the bathroom door slam and I faceplant into a glass of wine.
8:30 — Why do all these women want to marry the bachelor? Don’t do it! You’ll get engaged and then married and then you’ll have three kids and your husband will travel for work and two of the kids will never, ever, EVER go to bed and then you’ll have to start a blog to whine about your middle-class prooooooooblems and how haaaaaaaaaard your life is. Turn down the rose! Just say no!
8:36 — I think it might be safe. For me. The Bachelor is never safe — dude, you’re being manipulated! On national televison! By 25 women! Good luck with that.
8:40 — Please note that Maeve has slept through all of this nonsense. Spoiler alert: she gets the final rose.
8:51 — Rose ceremony! Someone better be bleeding if I am interrupted now.
8:55 — Sean disses Robyn. WTF The Bachelor? It’s getting a little ridiculous that it’s all white people all the time on this show.
8:56 — “He was someone I really cared for,” says Robyn. Robyn, sweetie, you knew him for like 10 minutes. I cared less for men I dated for four years.
9:00 — I check on the kids and they’re out. Can’t wait to do it all again tomorrow, during a Very Special Two-Day Episode of The Bachelor!