I’ll shut up now
When we woke up last Friday morning, my most pressing need was what time the free breakfast ended at the Vieques hotel we were staying at. Josh and I were enjoying the second day of another ridiculous kid-free vacation. After we hustled to the cafe at the W, we went back to the room to grab our stuff for the pool and we got a call that Emmie had thrown up in the middle of the night. Oh no. Poor Emmie and poor, poor grandma.
I felt awful that she was sick and more awful she was missing the holiday concert at her school — she’d been singing “Winter Wonderland” at every opportunity for weeks. What a total bummer for everyone all around. I walked around the room for a while, asking Josh if I was the worst mom ever for abandoning my sick child and enjoying myself. He reminded me I didn’t abandon a sick child — this one was well for 24 whole hours after we left the house. Eh, splitting hairs.
I happened to be flipping channels in the room while Josh had to finish something for work and I stopped at CNN — there had been a school shooting and they thought two people had died. How awful, I thought. We went to the pool and I took my phone with me in case we needed Emmie updates, but instead, my phone was dinging with breaking news updates that 20 children had been killed. I was in disbelief and the newshound in me couldn’t stop reading. As it all unfolded, I felt sick to my stomach — I have a six-year-old first-grader. This was too close to home.
For a few weeks now, I’ve felt “off” when it came to blogging. I can’t find the rhythm, I don’t feel the spark, my funniest lines have been shared on my Facebook page because it’s easier than composing a whole narrative around a one-off a kid has tossed out to me in random conversation. Lazy, is what I keep telling myself. And then Newtown, CT happened. I just can’t get it together. I can’t find it in me to be funny, to look for the joke, to finesse the story.
I came home from Puerto Rico last night and immediately checked on my sleeping children. When they all spilled in to the bedroom this morning, I was thrilled to see them. When I dropped them off at school, there were longer-than-normal hugs. I hugged their teachers and thought about how lucky I am to have these amazing women in our lives (yes, I know there are male teachers, but this year, we have all women). And I came home and did homework with Jack and played with the girls and we did baths and books and bedtime. And through it all, I couldn’t shake the thought that I am so lucky. So incredibly, completely, wholly lucky to have these three healthy children safe with me. And you know what, people don’t really want to read about that. I mean sure, in random posts here and there, but not all the time. And that’s not who I am — I’m not the one mooning over my good fortune, I’m the one bitching about some little detail that didn’t go exactly my way.
So for now, I’m taking a break. I’m planning to enjoy the holidays. I’m planning random acts of kindness (I paid for coffee for the the person behind me this morning!). I’m planning to get back to work on my novel-in-progress now that my nonfiction book proposal is complete. And I’m planning to spend the next three weeks enjoying my family. I’ll be back the second week of January, hopefully with renewed spirit and vigor — because, come on, three weeks enjoying my kids is going to produce so much material, I’ll have no choice but to post it!
There will be a few posts here and there, especially with the photo opps the holidays present, but it won’t be anything regular. In the meantime, check my Facebook page, which is usually updated daily.
See you soon… happy holidays!