For hire: Professional chauffeur (uniform will consist of shorts, black tank and flip-flops)
Rate: Free, but accepts hand-drawn pictures with inventive spelling captions and rainbow loom bracelets
Vehicle: Slightly dented, scratched-up SUV (bonus ground-up organic Cheerios on floor)
If interested, please contact Snarky Mommy. But you’ll have to call her cell phone, because she can’t check email while she’s driving. She also can’t actually take your call, because that’s also illegal in the city of Chicago and she doesn’t have a bluetooth speaker because the one she already had sounded like she was in a tunnel and the earpieces make people look like d-bags.
Seriously, I am an idiot. I signed the kids up for this amazing summer camp that was half the price of everything other summer camp. They swim! They play sports! They come home dirty and tired and smiling! It’s great. But it’s halfway across the city in rush hour, so I now spend 50 minutes in the car roundtrip each morning and again each afternoon. So two hours of my day is spend wanting to shoot myself in traffic, praying that the Waze app doesn’t malfunction.
That also means I spend at least 25 minutes each afternoon listening to all three kids fight over who gets to use the iPad on the way home. Because God forbid they should play with the iTouches each of them own. Last week I actually stopped in the middle of a street, put my flashers on and told them I was prepared to sit there until they stopped screaming and worked out a way to share it. As they had friends coming over when we got home, that was a surprisingly effective form of parenting.
Lucky for me, the current camp ends next week. Unlucky for me, I start chauffeuring them to a new camp in a different location in August. But you know what, it’s still better than having them all home screaming and fighting each day, so I’ll just be filling the gas tank every two days with a smile on my face.